Teresa Herrmann: smart, caring, douchey

Seriously, Teresa, WTF? What makes you think you can just waltz in here and strike that crap adorable pose? Are you pondering something? Nibbiling on your fuzzy little mittens? Or wait, is that a glimmer of hope I see in your irritatingly magestic green eyes? Hope? Change? Up Yours?

And for God's sake if you think for one second that your little red riding hood get-up is going to make us swoon like you're some kind of vulnerable, picnic toting, butterball of rouge sweetness... well fuck you, Teresa, you've won the battle. You won't win the war.

Say no to hand puppets

At what point did you think it would be sensible to start supplementing your cuteness? You must be completely un-self aware. I mean, at some point during the day you said to yourself, "gee fuckin' willakers, my hands look so normal and gray. And since every other part of me is bubbling over in adorable and dipped in pink and shit, I just HAVE TO HAVE A MOOSE FOR A HAND." Puppet junkie.

You're fucking off your ass high, Teresa. I'd arrange an intervention, but you're beyond hope.

This bitch makes it look easy

What's wrong with this picture? Exactly: all five signs of subversive charm are present. How do we protect ourselves? Walk down the list.

1. Wind swept hair - as we all know, this is first horsewoman of the apocalypse. We recommend gouging out your eyes least you fall head over heals into a life of heartache and abandon.
   
2. Floppy sweater over hands - easily more lethal than nun chucks in those same hands. Try getting yourself hand puppets and staring at those instead.
   
3. Staring whimsically out to sea with castle in background - well fuck that. Seriously, guys.
   
4. Easy disarming smile - your only salvation will be by keeping a clear and pure mind. Concentrate not on the part of her lips or the sheen of her orderly teeth. You must see past the smile and into the cursed soul of this merciless siren.
   
5. Is a picture of Teresa Herrmann - No really, we're fucked.
   

Nice disguise, asshole

Pink. You're wearing pink. You maxed out all the cute and cuddle in the whole universe and now you're wearing fucking pink. You're not just wearing it, you're dripping in the stuff. It's fucking wearing you. And to boot you're making it look sexy. Like really hot. Which should be crossing some wires but instead is making us fantasize about leaping into pools of ice water just to cool down.

Oh but wait there's more. You found some bubble gum. And now, you literally have cute bursting out of your face. So what's next? You got an encore? Are you going to sneeze rainbows? Poop marshmallows? Fart clouds that rain hello kitty erasers and pikachu instant tattoos?

Maybe you should jump in the pool of ice water. Think about your actions and your wardrobe. Take a serious Time Out you monster.

Thank you, Penguin

Penguins, Thank you dearly for giving us a break from this insensitive onslaught of charm. Not everyone is so reserved. (Ahem, Teresa) Please continue being a shining example of tamed adorable and for not daring us constantly to look into your deep beady little eyes for all eternity.

Unstopable cuteness fueled by diet of babies

PUT DOWN THE BABY
I know you're fully aware of what's going on here. Obviously you're not going to eat that baby. I'm no idiot. No one here is an idiot. The internets are not for idiots. So WHO the FUCK do you think you're fooling!?
We all know you subsist on a mystical symbiotic relationship with all of the adorable things around you. Here in this picture we can clearly see you agitating the life energy of this particular human toddler. An aura of cuddle surrounds you and the baby is likewise channeling your air of gumdroppage and kittehtude. All of this is clear. We see it and we understand.
What we don't understand is HOW TO STOP IT. Please stop. Please. We can't bare this much longer. Put down the baby and let us be! WE'RE BEGGING YOU!

This one's for baby Jesus

Jesus Christ. Why don't you hold up a manger, you atheistic jerk? Can you just give us one day a year where you don't out shine everything? Maybe just a picture of Rockefeller Center? No? Fine. Let's just whip out the kerosene and burn down the big tree. Nothing can compete with you. Way to ruin Christmas, asshole.